Keanu Reeves is one of the most lovable and genuine people in Hollywood. Whoopi Goldberg, meanwhile, was recently voted the “most hated person” in Hollywood, a distinction that no one seems to dispute.
Reeves was selected by the TV Production Committee to present the Lifetime Achievement Award this year, a role he was honored to take on…until he learned he would have to share the stage and present the award to Whoopi Goldberg.
“He’s not a nice person,” Reeves said in a voice that almost sounded like he was talking to Rufus outside the Circle K, “I don’t want to be remembered as the guy who made that mistake.”
Justin Timberlake, Winona Ryder and Gloria Estefan also declined. They are still waiting for a response from Jackie and Kelso, who are desperate for something different to happen in their lives, but no one seems to be able to find them.
“We think these two are probably in a ravine somewhere after losing their social media following due to the worst apology video ever recorded,” said Ravine Capt. Joe Barron of the 136th Marine Legal Unit, “We’re going to start here in Los Angeles and go ravine to ravine until we find them.”
Others speculate that they could also be in something more superficial, like a trench or even a puddle, but everyone agrees that they are probably dead of shame, along with their careers. Topher Grace was not available for comment, once again leaving his dignity intact.
Reeves said there was no way he would change his mind no matter how ridiculous the story got. God bless America.
