Keanu Reeves is known as one of the kindest and most genuine people in Hollywood. Whoopi Goldberg, on the other hand, was recently voted the “most hated person” in Tinseltown, a distinction that seems hard to refute. Reeves was chosen by the Television Production Committee to present this year’s Lifetime Achievement Award, a role he was honored to take on… until he learned he would have to share the stage and present the award with Whoopi Goldberg.
“He’s not a good person,” Reeves said in a voice that almost sounded like he was talking to Rufus outside the Circle K, “I don’t want to be remembered as the guy who made that mistake.” Justin Timberlake, Wynona Ryder and Gloria Estefan also declined.
They are still waiting for a response from Jackie and Kelso, who desperately need something different to happen in their lives, but no one seems to be able to find them. “We think those two are probably in the gutter somewhere after losing their social media followers following the worst apology video ever recorded,” said Gutter Capt. Joe Barron of the 136th Marine Paralegal Unit, “We’re going to start here in Los Angeles and go gutter to gutter until we find them.”
Others believe they could also have been in a shallower place, like a ditch or even a puddle, but all agree they probably died of shame, along with their careers. Topher Grace was not available for comment, leaving his dignity intact once again. Reeves said he won’t change his mind, no matter how absurd the story becomes. God bless America.
